BARSS

On planet Earth today? Be kind to yourself, there is a good chance no one else will, holy hell!

Brace yourself. This page contains the latest critical information for members of the Big Ass Ring Secret Society (BARSS). With Sapphire status comes great responsibility. Embrace this new status with full sparkle.

In print, we can reveal very little of our secret society. Follow these guidelines until you receive further instruction via telepathy, world wide web, telephony, weather balloon, or self-destructing email from one of our founding members:

National Big Ass Ring Day is January 8^th of every odd-numbered year.
Wear your big ass ring on National Big Ass Ring Day and any other day reserved for self-care.
While wearing your big ass ring, avoid stress. Only participate in activities you find helpful and enjoyable. All humans attempting to stress you out during the wearing of your big ass ring will surely be punished by unknown forces beyond our comprehension.
Carry your Big Ass Ring Secret Society membership card at all times.
If anyone sees your BARSS membership card, reveal nothing. Create a distraction of epic proportion to divert attention away from your BARSS membership card.
Avoid spilling strawberry jam on your big ass ring, Sapphire status members of BARSS never waste a good jam.
You may cancel your BARSS membership at any time for a nominal fee of 85 billion dollars. We cannot provide details on how to cancel your membership, you will just know how to do it.

Rules and rare/cryptic messages

It is the jeweler that always gets the last laugh.
BARSS rule #1: When wearing your BAR, laugh like a jeweler.
Beware of the sweetness of the fluffy raccoon family. Under cloak of darkness, they will steal your shiny baubles.
BARSS rule #2: When wearing your BAR, never fall asleep under a tree.
The crows are your friend. Feed them well and they will bring you shiny gifts.
BARSS rule #3: Never sass talk a crow.
Misdeeds are easily concealed within rays of sunshine.
BARSS rule #4: When wearing your BAR, wear sunglasses.
In full sparkle, there is no room for error.
BARSS rule #5: When wearing your BAR, properly secure all clothing.
After 10 days of hiking a trail, get off the trail.
BARSS rule #6: When wearing your BAR, announce to nature that you are in charge.
Sometimes the best of verbal intentions liquify into sewer rat snacks.
BARSS rule #7: When wearing your BAR, carefully listen to the spoken word and ignore it.
A BAR is only as shimmery as the one wearing it.
BARSS rule #8: “Shine on you crazy diamond.” ~ Pink Floyd
Resorting to violence is never the answer, but one must always protect one’s self when under siege by pervs.
BARSS rule #9: Throw in back-handed defensive maneuvers in all attacks as to leave ominous BAR impressions on miscreants.
All is clear in dawns early light.
BARSS rule #10: Always sleep in well past dawn with your BAR carefully wrapped in velvet and safely tucked in the nightstand.
Mahjong is in a gem class of its own. Do not fear it, beat it.
BARSS rule #11: Wear eight BARs when playing Mahjong.
Gems hide themselves well, each one is patiently waiting for you to reveal their glory.
BARSS rule #12: Travel far, with a good shovel, when wearing your BAR. Search for more, collect them all in pretty egg baskets, and laugh diabolically as you run your fingers through your new piles of glittery joy.
Nature waits for no one.
BARSS rule #13: Put on your BAR, run into nature, and plant something. If you do not, be prepared to face the wrath of a barren and soulless landscape of despair.
Empty cabinets reflect the impending doom of an empty soul.
BARSS rule #14: Put on your BAR and hang beautiful artwork at the back of every empty cabinet in your home.
Fluorescent lighting casts all creatures and gems in the most hideous of light.
BARSS rule #15: For any space you enter, first identify all light sources. If fluorescent lighting reaches you, clutch your BAR and shout: “‘Tis this awful light, that shines so bright and reveals all imperfection untruths. How dare you cast your horrendous glare toward me! For this I will not stand!” Then, abruptly leave in a huff.
Avoid jazz hand distractions.
BARSS rule #16: When bartering with someone, do not be distracted by their elaborate hand gestures or boisterous vocal declarations. Let the product glitter speak for itself.
BARS do not open cars.
BARSS rule #17: If all people attempting to enter a vehicle are wearing BARs, then you are all just going to have to walk because no BAR wearer opens a car door.
BARs are non-transferable.
BARSS rule #18: We are not sure, but there is a chance your BAR is either worth billions of dollars, or the one object on earth that holds all the luck. At any rate, to be safe, avoid giving your BAR to another human.
BARs might be magical.
BARSS rule #19: If you find yourself in possession of magical powers during the wearing of your BAR, we ask that you use this talent for good.
Even the American Cockroach shimmers in moonlight.
BARSS rule #20: One must always plant flowers at midnight while wearing a BAR. If for no other reason than to prove to the cockroach who is queen.

Action shot slideshow of glittery glory