Spring planting can reveal all kinds of delightful surprises. Even the smallest of plants should be planted with great care and planning. Add 96 hours of preparation for every four inches of plant height. Done correctly, you will gain insight into the history of your region, have beautiful plants, and maybe even pocket a few treasures. This outlandish preparation time may seem extreme. But what else are you going to do? Go to the grocery store? Who cares about food when there is treasure to find!
Geological survey maps, understanding how to properly handle precious artifacts, and historical maps of your region are to be reviewed first. This information provides clues to potential precious metal and gemstone deposits, any human migratory trails of the past, and proper notification and handling methods for artifacts.
Next, find out exactly where buried power lines, wells, and septic systems reside underground on your property. It is too risky to guess. Consult experts. Most regions have hotlines to call before digging to determine locations of hidden potential dangers.
The third step is a sincere visual evaluation of your property. This involves walking every square inch of the property, then plopping down at the highest peak with a delicious cup of coffee spiked with something boozy for contemplation. Look for areas of past human activity: overgrown foot paths, old water sources like creeks, incredibly old trees, unnatural mounds, and large rock formations or markers. These clues may offer hints to areas where human activity took place in the past. Avoid any areas of abundant wildlife, wildlife food sources, tree roots, and areas affecting water supplies of any kind. Disturbing existing complex features such as these can negatively impact nature long term (and therefore, us) on many levels.
You should now have a dig location identified for your plant. Mark the site with a giant ‘X’ using sticks, just to be cool. The dig site is going to be huge, regardless of the size of the plant. For reference: If I am planting a one-gallon shrub, I prefer the dig area to go out about five feet and I dig down about 3 feet. If I owned an excavator, I would dig down much further.
Next, erect a gargantuan barrier around the dig site to prevent wildlife injury. Overly dramatic knickknacks are also required along the perimeter of the barrier to further deter wildlife and raise your status to royalty in your neighborhood. Large plastic wolves with glowing eyes, realistic stuffed animals, pinwheels, aluminum pie pans scattered about…you get the idea.
Step six is the most laborious so eat breakfast then gather your supplies: a shovel, bottle of water, beef jerky, flashlight, metal detector, magnet, UV flashlight, camera, journal and pen, and tarp. Roll out the tarp next to the dig site and start digging. Be sure to toss all soil onto the tarp. Allow for no interruptions during this critical step. Understand, this step could go well into the night, the next day, and the next. You might even have to nap in the hole throughout this step. Log any noteworthy events in your journal. Expect horrors to take place during this step: snorting bucks charging, wild bird poo bombings, owl dives to the back of your head, eerie creatures screeching from deep in the surrounding woods, and insect bites.
Step seven is where all of the fun is. Carefully review the dig site. Take photographs of any lines in the soil, insects, rock specimens, and any unusual plants or roots found. Metal detect the site, sift through all dirt, look for hints of UV light reaction, sweep the area with a magnet, collect any cool rocks, and properly address any artifacts found. Dramatically run your fingers through your hair and look to the sky periodically throughout step seven so you look cool, smart, and important from a distance. Log noteworthy events in your journal.
Step eight is the big planting. Place your plant in the center of the dig site with appropriate natural fertilizers and water and fill the hole in with all the dirt from the tarp. Before removing the barrier, ensure the area is stable. You may need to add more dirt to the area and evaluate it after a few heavy rains. You want the dig site to look and behave as if it were untouched to avoid harming wildlife going through the area.
Lastly, author a book about your adventure or brag about the dig to anyone who will listen.
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